The looming 30...
Do you ever feel like you are stuck in a rut? Like every day
is basically the same thing: wake up, shower, make lunch, spend 30 minutes
driving to work, work all day in a mundane boring job, spend another 30 minutes
in a painful commute home, make dinner, sleep and repeat? I am turning the big 3 0 in less than 3 months and I have to tell you it scares
the hell out of me. Not only that but I am so disappointed in myself. When I was
young I had such great aspirations and dreams. I wanted to go to NYU study theater and education simultaneously so that I could become a famous actress and
when I retired from that/ when I wasn't filming my next film I would teach. As
I got older and developed stage fright, which really set me back because let me
tell you I was a HAM! I loved being the center of attention, making people
laugh oh and the camera was my best friend. After junior high I became really
shy in front of groups. This is coming from the girl who started a protest in
elementary school, wrote directed and starred in a remaking of The Wizard of
Oz, creatively named Homie Brick Road (it was the 90’s trust me that was a kick
ass name). I was anything but shy but that changed before high school and I always
go back to that. I wish that is something I could change for more than just the
fact that for some reason it gave me stage fright. I regret that summer for so
many reasons. But that is a whole other story; we can get into that another
time.
Okay so the point is turning 30, is a heartbreaking thing when you are
working a horrible dead end job, single, living alone. I feel as though I gave
up, I don’t know exactly when it happened but I lost my motivation, my drive, and
my dreams. Not just the childhood dreams I mentioned but even as I got older,
throughout high school and college I was easily distracted from what I wanted.
I took things that those in authority would say to me and took it to heart. I
went into college wanting to major in education (that was a dream I never let
go of, I love working with children and being creative) and I wanted to pick a
minor like counseling, so that I could counsel a group of teen girls dealing
with depression, anxiety and sexual abuse. I thought it would be a perfect fit,
teach during the school year and during the summer run my own group. After an
advisor told me that it was impossible for me to do that and that I would have
to double major and based on my transcripts that it wouldn’t be a good fit for
me, I believed her and stayed with Education. I should have fought more for
what I wanted. I saw a woman of authority and figured she knew better so I let
it go. I didn’t fight, I gave up. It’s the story of my life, I set goals and
then I give up. Why do I do this? Why can’t I just get my shit together and get
my life back on the track I want it to be on. I have wasted too much of my life
giving up on the things I love. I have wasted too much time being afraid. That’s
it I am afraid. I am afraid to succeed I am afraid to fail. How do you get over
that? I wish I knew. I wish I could just get my life together. Pick up the
pieces I once left behind. There is too much of my desires and dreams scattered
around, I need to pick them up. Find out what I really truly want to do in this
life and make it happen. Of course that is just a hell of a lot easier said
than done right?
When I think about what I want to do with my life, who I want to be, I really
just want to make a difference. I want to be able to feel like I am important,
valued and appreciated. Not just by my loved ones but by the people I meet.
Take for instance my job I do data entry all day for 8 hours, I have a college
degree and I do data entry. Honestly I can’t blame anyone but myself. I fell
into this type of job after I graduated because I settled. I figured I just
graduated I need to pay bills and then now its nearly 6 years later and I am
still in this type of job. WHY!? I am going insane. I honestly feel like I am
getting dumber each day, like my creativity is diminishing. I have such a creative
side that isn’t being used and it hurts. I feel like a half of me is wasting
away. I need to access this side, hell not just that side all sides. I want to
flourish to my full potential. I just get in my own damn way. How do I stay
motivated? I mean really? It’s my life and it’s not going to change for anyone,
there isn’t a magic pill or magic words that someone can say to me that will
get me to figure my life out. I just wish I could convince myself to stay
motivated for a new life. What can be more motivating than turning 30?
