Before  3o goals

1. I am going to love myself, all of me as Mike would say "warts and all"
2. I am going to find a job that I love, a wise man once said that if you love what you do, you will never work a day in your life. This is my goal to never work again!
3. I am going to accept that turning 30 is not the end of the world

So I set these goals and realize that my due date is looming. I turn the dreaded 30 in less than 3 months. I am coming to the conclusion that this due date to getting my life together is quite ridiculous. I mean why now? why set myself up with these goals that have taken me all my life to figure out and say hey you must figure it all out in 3 months.. go. Yeah pretty much isn't going to happen. I have started to take steps, that is enough for now. I am taking my life more seriously. You only get one life and one shot to make your life what it is. I don't want to take what I have for granted. I want to get myself happy and content NOW. No more waiting for this that or the other. It's my life and I have to take control and responsibility of it. If I want to be happy and accomplish these goals I need to do them, and there is no due date these are life goals. I will work on them until I can't.

I am not exactly sure what I want to say today Not even sure if I have anything to say. Well let's see..

I recently have started walking every day after work to help get off the pounds. I actually look forward to it at the end of each day, especially when the days have been really beautiful out. The other day I even surprised myself I couldn't do a walk when I got home after work but later that night when I got home around 8:00 p.m. I was so excited to go I got home changed and went, and shockingly I ran for most of it. It may seem like a small thing but, being as i haven't been active in a long time I was incredibly proud. When I was in junior high I could run a 6 minute mile, I would love to get back to that. It's weird the walking started out as a way to get myself in shape so that I could feel beautiful to other- I know how incredibly shallow that is, I know sad. But it 's not really that anymore. I enjoy it I look forward to it. Even as I type this I am looking forward to going out there today and running. Maybe running the whole time this time.

So that is that..

I really want this year to be great, I want to make the changes to make it great. It really has been mostly my fault that I am not happy. I need to make the changes in my life, they aren't going to magically happen ya know? I hate certain things in my life, but I have to get off my ass and do something. I started to make some other changes as well. I am writing more and studying up on a career change. Things are looking up. Just in time for the weather change. I can hear the birds chirping now... It's going to be a bright sunshine day! Enjoy it! 

Life is to short for regrets.

April 24th 2013

The looming 30...

Do you ever feel like you are stuck in a rut? Like every day is basically the same thing: wake up, shower, make lunch, spend 30 minutes driving to work, work all day in a mundane boring job, spend another 30 minutes in a painful commute home, make dinner, sleep and repeat? I am turning the big 3 0 in less than 3 months and I have to tell you it scares the hell out of me. Not only that but I am so disappointed in myself. When I was young I had such great aspirations and dreams. I wanted to go to NYU study theater and education simultaneously so that I could become a famous actress and when I retired from that/ when I wasn't filming my next film I would teach. As I got older and developed stage fright, which really set me back because let me tell you I was a HAM! I loved being the center of attention, making people laugh oh and the camera was my best friend. After junior high I became really shy in front of groups. This is coming from the girl who started a protest in elementary school, wrote directed and starred in a remaking of The Wizard of Oz, creatively named Homie Brick Road (it was the 90’s trust me that was a kick ass name). I was anything but shy but that changed before high school and I always go back to that. I wish that is something I could change for more than just the fact that for some reason it gave me stage fright. I regret that summer for so many reasons. But that is a whole other story; we can get into that another time.

Okay so the point is turning 30, is a heartbreaking thing when you are working a horrible dead end job, single, living alone. I feel as though I gave up, I don’t know exactly when it happened but I lost my motivation, my drive, and my dreams. Not just the childhood dreams I mentioned but even as I got older, throughout high school and college I was easily distracted from what I wanted. I took things that those in authority would say to me and took it to heart. I went into college wanting to major in education (that was a dream I never let go of, I love working with children and being creative) and I wanted to pick a minor like counseling, so that I could counsel a group of teen girls dealing with depression, anxiety and sexual abuse. I thought it would be a perfect fit, teach during the school year and during the summer run my own group. After an advisor told me that it was impossible for me to do that and that I would have to double major and based on my transcripts that it wouldn’t be a good fit for me, I believed her and stayed with Education. I should have fought more for what I wanted. I saw a woman of authority and figured she knew better so I let it go. I didn’t fight, I gave up. It’s the story of my life, I set goals and then I give up. Why do I do this? Why can’t I just get my shit together and get my life back on the track I want it to be on. I have wasted too much of my life giving up on the things I love. I have wasted too much time being afraid. That’s it I am afraid. I am afraid to succeed I am afraid to fail. How do you get over that? I wish I knew. I wish I could just get my life together. Pick up the pieces I once left behind. There is too much of my desires and dreams scattered around, I need to pick them up. Find out what I really truly want to do in this life and make it happen. Of course that is just a hell of a lot easier said than done right?

When I think about what I want to do with my life, who I want to be, I really just want to make a difference. I want to be able to feel like I am important, valued and appreciated. Not just by my loved ones but by the people I meet. Take for instance my job I do data entry all day for 8 hours, I have a college degree and I do data entry. Honestly I can’t blame anyone but myself. I fell into this type of job after I graduated because I settled. I figured I just graduated I need to pay bills and then now its nearly 6 years later and I am still in this type of job. WHY!? I am going insane. I honestly feel like I am getting dumber each day, like my creativity is diminishing. I have such a creative side that isn’t being used and it hurts. I feel like a half of me is wasting away. I need to access this side, hell not just that side all sides. I want to flourish to my full potential. I just get in my own damn way. How do I stay motivated? I mean really? It’s my life and it’s not going to change for anyone, there isn’t a magic pill or magic words that someone can say to me that will get me to figure my life out. I just wish I could convince myself to stay motivated for a new life. What can be more motivating than turning 30?